More from Mikey

Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

- A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.
- Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
- Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
- Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl from Nantucket..."
- Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.
- Cash.
- Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.
- Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
- Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
- An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

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