Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Discerning Myself

Maybe the title ought to be "Resolving Myself". I am trying to resolve the focus, so that I can discern my motivations and actions more clearly.

Yesterday provided another bit of a breakthrough. I had to apologize for something I discovered was simply an empty threat. For several years I have threatened to run off into the desert and find some monastery where I could simply be, not do anything but read and sleep and eat. I threatened to make it a life choice.

While discussing Matthew 18, and the value of being in groups of two or three in accordance with one another that Christ might be in our midst, we started telling stories of being alone. From there I recalled a time when I had stayed in my 3 bedroom apartment during Spring Break one year, while the other three guys all left. I became amazingly lonely after only a few hours. I tried to fill it with movies, reading, and even going out for food.

My loneliness went deeper. Doing the work of self-discovery last week, and finding that my primary blocker to achieving those things I want most is to be indispensable. The root of that was the understanding that I need other people, and therefore want other people to need me.

So, from here I will have to work on being with others, and not needing them, nor being needed, for I suspect that when that is done poorly it becomes co-dependence and no-one wants me to be there co-dependent, nor do I want to become co-dependent. The real trick is to keep from overly asserting independence that is unnecessary or hurtful.



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